Depressed

Sometime I get depressed.  I don't think it's a clinical depression or anything, although I guess I could be wrong about that.  When I feel down, I feel like I've always felt this way since the beginning of time and I always will, worlds without end.  Why is that?  That sucks.

Today I have felt down.  I feel like crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head.  

I think a bunch of it is my dear oldest son.  I had always assumed that all this effort to raise my children would pay off in very specific ways.  They would succeed in school and get high grades.  Everyone would like them.  They would be hard working.  They would be righteous and worthy and have testimonies like the sons of Helaman.  By the time they had graduated from high school, they would have read the Book of Mormon maybe ten or twelve times and be on fire to serve a mission and spread the news of the gospel around the world.

And it hasn't turned out that way.  Sometimes I feel like a failure.  Surely it must be my fault.  And wasn't this what I'm on earth for - to raise these kids?  So if they don't turn out exactly like I ordered, what the heck have I been doing for the past eighteen years?  What does my life mean?  And what is going to happen with their lives in the future?  

I don't know, sometimes I get depressed.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  Hope so.