Craig

I've been thinking about how my injury has affected my relationship with Craig.  While we've had a great marriage, my dependance on him the past few weeks has changed our relationship.  The first few days after my accident, he was in charge of my meds and would set the alarm clock to wake him up.  He would bring them to me and lift my head up off the pillow so I could swallow them.  He came with me to all my appointments.  What sticks out most in my mind is how he helped me get dressed in the morning.   Most mornings, he would wait to go out to do his work until I woke up.  He would help me get out of my clothes to shower and then wait until I was done to help me get dressed.

It was just so sweet and tender.  I was so reliant on him and he did everything for me that he could.  I got to where I just wasn't comfortable if he wasn't around.  Brigham wanted to go to see a movie in Logan with his friends and I went along to supervise his driving.  The whole time we were gone, I felt uneasy and on edge because I was gone from Craig.

I'm not better enough that I can dress myself and take care of myself pretty well.  Once in a while I get my arm stuck in my shirt, but most of the time I do fine.  As I regain my independence, I find that the tender reliance I had on Craig is waning - and I miss it.

In General Conference last, President Packer spoke about marriage in the last conference talk he would give.  He said, " When entered into worthily, this process combines the most exquisite and exalted physical, emotional, and spiritual feelings associated with he word love.  That part of life has no equal, no counterpart, in all human experience."

I agree.

Le Tour de France

   For three weeks in July, Craig and I become     obsessed cycling fans.  We love watching the Tour de France.  Two days ago there was a terrible crash that involved a lot of the peloton.  I think there were at least two broken collarbones, one broken wrist, and Fabian Cancellara, a favorite to win the whole tour, broke two vertebrae in his back and had to abandon the race.  

    Exciting stuff.

Except that since my accident, I have way too much empathy for people crashing and hurting themselves.  It used to be entertainment to watch the crashes, but now it causes small flashbacks to my own accident and it's not so much fun to watch.  

But the tour is still fun.  The scenery is so beautiful.  It seems like every other mile, they are highlighting another five hundred year old church or monastery.  I would love to see it someday.  I'll have to work on my french.

A Little Mexican Lady in my Garden

Yesterday was Sunday.  I was discouraged.  To tell the truth, I think it was more depression than discouragement.  The garden was a mess of weeds.  I couldn't believe that only two weeks of neglect could make it look like that.  And Hayes is gone to camp and Brigham and Ellie are both working quite a bit on the farm and Mom is already helping me so much so I had nobody to ask for help.

I sat on the pew waiting for sacrament meeting to start, trying not to cry.  Several people wanted to ask how I was doing, including Bonnie Jones.  I said I was doing fine and she said not to worry, that everything would wait for me to heal.  I said yeah, except the weeds in the garden wouldn't wait.  I regretted saying it as soon as it was out, because I didn't want Bonnie to think I was asking her for help.  Heaven forbid I ask for help.  And whether she did or not, she said that she loved me but she didn't do gardens.

So then I felt worse.

I sat in my chair last night feeling pretty bad and wondering why it was so hard to ask for help.  Why can't I get on the phone and call the Relief Society and ask for help with the garden?  Why do I feel like I should do it all myself?  Isn't that what they are there to do?  To give relief?  But who would I ask?  My visiting teachers, who have already brought me meals?  Heather and her kids who are busy with their new house?  Aneesa who has her own huge garden to weed?  I didn't know who to ask.

This morning I was in my bathroom when my mom poked her head in and told me that there was a little mexican lady in my garden.

"What's she doing?"  I asked.

"She's weeding."

"She's weeding???"

I had to see this for myself so I went out there and indeed there was a little mexican lady in the garden.  She didn't speak much English at all but she said her name was Luce and that Wesley Beutler had sent her.

Wesley Beutler.  The bishop.

I broke down as I watched her pull weeds.  She already had about a third of the garden cleared and was going strong.  It was beautiful.  Craig and I had to leave for my doctor appointment and when we got back, the garden was free of weeds.  There wasn't even piles of them, they were completely gone.  It was like she had descended from heaven to weed my garden and then had ascended again when the job was done, like a angelic visitation.

I don't know how Bishop knew.

Independence Day

Lining up for the mile run

Independence Day in Dayton is always so much fun.  5K run in the morning, then pancake breakfast. Home to shower and then patriotic program, parade, dutch oven lunch, and then games for the rest of the afternoon.  We always park ourselves on the west side of the field with the Tolmans.  It's always fun to see old friends that have come back for the festivities.  Aaron and Aneesa are in charge of the day, Aaron being the mayor, and we do what we can to help.  This year we donated the shirts and then I was the parade announcer.  The kids rode their bikes with the rest of the Primary and Craig was supposed to ride in the fire truck with the bishopric but I think he walked with the bikes to make sure Mac and Josh were okay.

The neighbors are shooting off fireworks so I think sleep is going to be hard to come by for a while.  I'll just sit here in my recliner while we finish watching National Treasure.

Josh quit pretty early but Mac ran the entire four laps - and he had ran four laps before the even began "to warm up"!!

Josh and Mac showing their catch from one of their favorite parts of Fourth of July - the fishpond!!!

Reclining is now my life.

My life now consists of sitting in my reclining chair.

Craig and the kids have been so great.  Brigham saw me nodding off as I was trying to read Mac and Josh a story and took over.

I can remember telling my patients years ago that the day of surgery is terrible, that the day after surgery isn't much better, the day after that was also bad, and then usually the third day was when a lot of people turned the corner and started to feel better.  I can only hope that it's true because life doesn't seem so peachy right now.

And I was even offered the chance to announce the fourth of July parade in Dayton - which I've always wanted to do and I really don't think I'm in any shape to do it.  Aaron says he'll let me do it next year.

Sigh.  No Gran Fondo, no parade, no nothing.  Just sitting in my recliner.

A picture taken from - what else? - my recliner.

Still here

My adamantium plate, I am now Wolverine.

Blogging this from my beloved recliner.  Obviously, I made it through and I'm still alive.  Not even a near death experience, dang it.

Yesterday Craig and I arrived at the surgery center and got all checked in.  As the tech was taking my vitals I saw there was a vinyl lettered sign on the wall listing Intermountain Healthcare's values.  I remembered being tested annually on those.  I asked the tech if he knew what they were and he fumbled around, guessing, not even close.  That was funny.

The nurse started my IV while another nurse asked me all the preop question, rate my current pain, blah blah blah.  He referenced Brian Regan's pain scale skit and when we told him we were huge fans but hadn't seen that one, he found it one his phone and handed it to me.  It got me laughing so hard I couldn't stop and was a great way to put me at ease.  Asked him if he knew the values.  Nope.

We had to wait awhile for the actual surgery and by the time the OR nurse and anesthesiologist came into my room I was a bundle of nerves.  Craig kissed me goodbye and they wheeled me in.  I moved over to the skinny OR table and craned my head looking at all the big lights and machines.  I knew it was just another day at work for them but it was a singular and frightening experience for me.  I asked them if they had ever had surgery before and Dr. Clissold said, "Oh yes, Kris has had a brain transplant."  Turns out they both actually had been operated before and that made me feel better, that they could empathize.

I was determined to keep my eyes open even as Dr. Clissold said he was giving me something to make me feel sleepy.  Nope, not sleepy.  Not sleepy.  Not.....

Fade to black.

Waking up in the recovery room and telling the nurse that I had dreamed about biking, which she said was strange because most people don't dream.  I don't remember having the dream, only saying it.  Wasn't hurting but was HOT, sweating all over and feeling like I had a thousand blankets on me.

She soon wheeled me back to the surgery center where Craig was waiting for me and it turned out that I had been gone about three hours.  Before the surgery, we had scoffed when we found out they had blocked out a two hour time slot because surely the whole operation couldn't take more than an hour.  Craig said that Dr. Murray had come to see him and told him it went well but that there had been a third piece that hadn't shown up on the X ray that he had to tie into the configuration and there was still a gap so he used a piece of cadaver donor bone.  That was surprising.

Everything went pretty quickly after that, waking up and sipping juice and getting out of bed to walk around and receiving my instructions and being wheeled out of there.  The post-op nurse, McKenzie, said that years and years ago when she was a teenager with a ruptured appendix I had taken care of her and she remembered me telling her that she had to get out of bed even though it hurt.  I hope I was nice to her.  She didn't know the values.  Dr. Clissold and Kris hadn't either.

Drove home, determining not to be nauseated and I wasn't for the most part.  Deana offered to keep the little boys overnight which was great.  Got home and parked in my recliner.  Heather came to visit and then we watched a movie.  It was a nice quiet evening, drifting in and out.

Last night I slept in the bed next to Craig, woke in the middle of the night for a couple hours and then slept for a little bit again.

And this morning I feel pretty good!  I quit the Percocet after two doses, it makes me to groggy.  I think Tylenol and Celebrex are going to handle things just fine.  I even showered and ate Fruit Loops.   Just waiting for my little boys and for Grandma Lynn to get back from Mesa with Ellie.

So grateful to live in a day of modern medicine.  And a little confused.  We went to the doctor last week and he said he didn't think it would heal well without surgery but we were unconvinced.  The research said that 70% of people with my break healed fine without surgery.  I kept going back and forth about it, my mom squarely on the side of not needing surgery, until Craig said it was enough research and we should probably get the surgery.

So the way it turned out, I probably wouldn't have healed well without the surgery and would have lost a lot of strength and ability in that right arm.  Why didn't I receive more direction on it?  Why didn't the Spirit tell me clearly that I needed it?  I feel like I was left to myself.  Little unclear about that.

So nice and peaceful sitting here with my laptop and my phone and my book and my scriptures and soon, a nap.

Final Goodbye

This is what I posted on Facebook:

Tomorrow I’m having surgery to fix my broken collarbone.  I’ve never had surgery before and I’m a little nervous about never waking up.  Just in case, I wanted to tell everyone goodbye and thanks for all the great memories.  And it’s all good because I have faith that life goes on and that families are forever.  I’m excited to see Evan again and I’m also pretty excited about never again having to chase cows in the middle of  the night.   Not to say that I won’t miss Craig and the rest of my kids.  If someone could bring them a casserole once in a while, that would be great.  Oh, and garbage day is Tuesday so someone is definitely going to have to remember that.

It’s been a wonderful ride.  I love you almost all of you and I would probably love the rest of you if I knew you better.

Goodbye. 

And this is what people replied.

Kayla Reeder Roberts:  Ha ha... I'll have David text Craig a reminder every Monday night about the trash.  Seriously though, best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Thomas Campbell:  Holy Crap.  That must've hurt.  Good luck!  I'm sure you'll do great!

Anne Holliday:  You should probably settle beefs you've had with people for a long time too.  You would hate to die with that in the back of your mind.  And I think social media is the best platform for that.  So I'll just grab some popcorn and watch :)

Anne Holliday:  Also, goodbye.  Maybe.  

John Cox:  You gotta keep posting stuff like this it makes my day.  It's a collar bone for heaven's sake.  I broke mine in the middle of Russia and I a still alive.  Your not gonna die.  Although seeing Evan would be pretty cool.

Tawnia Nielsen Zilles:  You are hilarious!  Hope you heal quickly.  What did you do to break it so bad?

Diana Campbell:  Suzie...not to sure I like that sense of humor, but...give Ruth, Nick and Audrey a big hug!  Now seriously!  Just relax, and breath.  You will be fine.  

Tracie Reilley Keller:  I will be thinking of you.  You will do great.

Joshua Campbell:  That X-ray looks HD compared to the original.  Did you get another one?  BTW: Fireworks look pretty cool from above.  

Amber Leonhardt:  This post is a little morbid, Sooz.  No dying!!  Good luck tomorrow, love you.

Tyler Leonhardt:  I died once.  Not a big deal really, you just gotta walk it off.  :)  For reals though, I hate sleeping pills for the exact same reason, so I understand the anxiety.  You'll be fine though.  Have swift recovery!

Loretta Page Dailey:  Think about this differently!  It's so nice to be put under because it's like you don't exist for a just a minute and  neither do any of your problems.  You WILL wake up before you know it and wish you could have slept just a little longer

Anne White:  Suzie, you'll do great!  Your bike will be waiting for you, to get back on!  Speedy recovery friend.  

Sunnie Larson Streadbeck:  That looks like a nasty great!  I'm sure you will be just fine but the thought of your kids without their Momma makes me a little teary.  Good luck!

Nate Kennedy:  You'll be fine.  The world would be an awful place without you!  I almost didn't wake up from surgery while I was on my mission.  Scared a lot of people, but somehow I slept right through it.

Erik Carpenter:  What will happen to your cows.  My freezer is empty.  I have a hankering for some beef brisket.

Marsha Porter:  Wow!  That is a broken bone!

Carolyn Moyle Christensen:  Prayers for you, funny woman!